masama ako.. actually mali, napakasama ko pala..
ilang linggo ko nang sinusubukan umalis sa sitwasyon ko pero hindi ko alam bakit hindi ko siya maiwan..

bukod sa napakasama kong tao, sobrang tanga ko pa..
kasi pumapayag ako na back-up lang, second rate, next in line, pantapal, panakip butas, lahat siguro ng pedeng itawag sa isang taong hindi pedeng maging una sa listahan, yun ako.

ang malala, nagbubulag-bulagan ako sa nangyayari..
ibinaba ko yung sarili ko para manatili ako sa tabi niya.
na-realize ko sobrang martyr ko pala.. hindi dahil naghihintay ako sa wala..
kasi kahit ganito ang sitwasyon ko, gusto kong masaya pa rin silang dalawa..

ang sakit pala kapag pinapipili mo yung isang tao, tapos iba pa rin yung pipiliin niya..
kasi hindi ka niya kayang mahalin, kasi meron siya, kasi may pangako siya.. kasi siya yung mahal niya.. kasi siya yung nauna.. putek, sino ba ang gustong mahuli sa pagdating?!

siguro kasumpa-sumpa nga ako, pero sino ba ang nasasaktan simula't sapul hanggang ngayon?
nasa kanya parin lahat..
parang lupa lang yan, nakikitirik man ako, wala naman sa akin ang titulo..
sino ang mapapalayas? sino ang makikinabang sa naipundar mo na? hindi ba aangkinin din naman lahat ng kung sino ang legal?
kaya kahit ipaglaban ko siya, sa una pa lang talunan na ako..
hindi ko alam na ganito pala kahirap maging isa sa mga dakilang 2nd party..
parang araw-araw mong iisipin kung paano magiging permanente ang bagay na alam mong panandalian lang at hindi mo maaaring hawakan nang pangmatagalan..

tapos gusto ka pa rin niya na nandyan ka lang, pinapanood ka niyang masaktan hanggang maubos lahat ng pagkatao mo.. hanggang masaid ka at wala nang matira sa'yo kahit kaunting respeto sa sarili mo..
pag nakita ka niyang nag-iisa, ni hindi niya maisip na lapitan ka..
pag nagtext ka dahil nag-aalala ka, balewala pala sa kanya..

tang-ina talaga.. lahat yata ng paraan para ako yung piliin niya nagawa ko na..
pero parang hindi niya nakita yung lahat-lahat ng bumubuo sa akin na isinantabi ko lang..
yung sakit na nailalarawan ko dito, wala pa sa kalahati ng totoong nararamdaman ko.

kaso ang liit ng mundo.. kahit maghiwalay kami, bumabalik pa rin kami sa isa't isa..
pero ano ba talaga ako para sa kanya? ang tagal ko nang gustong itanong..
takot akong pumasok sa relasyon, pero gusto ko itong nararamdaman ko..
kahit sobrang sakit na, pero hanggang sa huli wagas..
tang-inang pagmamahal 'yan..

"If pain must come, may it come quickly..
Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible.
If he has to make a choice, may he make it now.
Then I will either wait for him or forget him.
Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering."


The past few days were much of a period of making the right choice... for myself and as well for him.
I can't even elucidate the confusion inundating in my mind.
How to end up with a right decision without getting hurt so much? without leaving a painful mark for the rest of my life?
I'm trying to walk in the path of morality but my feelings keep my feet running towards him.
I tried to distant myself from him and control my emotions.. But i just couldn't exist now without him by my side.
It this will fail, it will be my biggest tragedy in love. And I don't know if I can stand again afterwards.


God knows I do love him so much..
And whatever might happen, i will never love another man with more than the love he felt from me.

"Wala kang karapatang pumasok sa isang relasyon.."
hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit sobrang naapektuhan ako nang sabihan ako nito..
simula kagabi hanggang sa mga oras na ito, paulit-ulit sa utak ko yung linya niya...


hindi naman ako galit, pero nasaktan ako nang sobra...
parang ang dating sa akin, wala akong karapatang magmahal kasi makakasakit lang ako ng tao.
may punto naman siya kaso masakit lang marinig mula sa isang tao na pinagkwekwentuhan ko ng mga naranasan ko na ganun yung naging tingin niya..
sa ngayon, masasabi kong tama siya..
pero patutunayan ko na magiging mali siya balang araw.

Lalakad pasulong..
pero mamaya uurong..
Titingin kapag ika'y malayo..
pero nakayuko kapag nakasalubong..


Iniisip kung may nagbago..
subalit damdamin ko'y sadyang magulo.
Hindi malaman kung lilingon,
sa direksyon na itinuturo ng puso.


Nagpapanggap na masaya
kapag may kasamang iba.. 
Pero pag nakita ka na.. 
Bumabalik pa rin sa'yo talaga.


Ngunit ang daan ko ay hindi papalapit sa'yo.
Patuloy na lumalakad upang makalayo. 
Gustuhin ko mang huminto o subukang lumiko..
pero 'di ko na kaya, hanggang dito na lang ako.

I can't still veer away from thinking about the momentous event two days ago..
I saw him personally.. in flesh and alive.

To see you when I wake up
To know that you feel the same as I do
is a three-fold, utopian dream.
He's a seraphim in disguise who can mend all the broken souls with just his whisper.

You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said..

It might be just a spur of moment that I felt the connection between his song and the essence to listen to it.
For a moment, it ignited my feelings and felt anew for some unknown reason.

You have only been gone ten days, but already I'm wasting away.

And when he stepped out of the stage and thought he wouldn't come back,
the whole atmosphere turned gloomy and lifeless.

I know I'll see you again whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care and..

Then, suddenly, his shadow appeared again..

Incubus Live in Manila July 28, 2011 - photo by Xien Primero

I remember the last time my hair was cut at its shortest length..


I agreed but the end result was not really pleasing (for me).
However, that was obviously unimaginable and impossible.

Whenever I look in the mirror, I wonder how long I will wait to grow my hair longer..
It is frustrating..
I have a feeling akin to losing a part of myself which will take time to rejuvenate..
And all I can do is to wait for it to grow..

courtesy: Nikko Qiuogue

Sa dami ng nais kong sabihin sa'yo kagabi..
para akong nautal at wala nang nasabi..

sa ikalawang pagkakataon, nagdalawang isip na naman ako..
nagsinungaling ako sa sarili ko sa tunay kong nararamdaman..
pinaniwala ko na naman ikaw na parang wala lang ang lahat.. ng nakalipas sa ating dalawa.


mahirap magkunwari.. 
pero ang totoo..
ikaw pa rin hanggang ngayon.

Let me just defend myself from the wrong accusations of people throwing at me..
I've heard so much.. and some are too painful to bear.. 
I'm just playing deaf and poker face but I'm not numb. I feel so much sadness more than anyone can imagine. But do I need to show them in the newsroom while I'm working? 

Because if I can really do that, maybe it would be easier for me to forget my feelings.
Most of them think I jumped in and out of the relationship so fast..  That is below the belt.
Or someone just told me straight to my face, "hindi ka niya natagalan noh?!"..  That really hurts..
And the other one is that "mukhang masaya pa raw ako after the break up" ..
Do people really think I have 100% numbness inside? Think again.

I cried at the stairs of the basement.. I cried inside the cr.. in front of the lobby. I cried in the  corners of GMA. 
It's one of the worst situations I'm trying to face because I can't express my emotions fully.. And honestly, it drains me day by day.

If he and I didnt say something about us, well because we don't owe anyone any explanation..

It's just sad that in depressed and down moments like these, here they are.. adding more to our suffering..

They might think I don't look at him.
But deep in the corner of my mind, he's been there all the time..

Loving doesn't cease in ending a relationship..

So now, I guess they should know who's really hurting right now..

It's nice to have someone who loves you back.. but what i need is someone who stays..

Not even a thousand heartbreaking songs can reflect the sad melody this aching thing singing inside my chest..


Nandito nakaukit pa rin sa puso ko,
Nang sabihin mong "wag na lang"..
Nandito nakatatak pa rin sa isip ko,
Kung paano mo tinalikuran ang lahat.
Kay bilis ba't umalis, nakakamiss


Na bigla lang..
di ko man lamang nalaman na mawawala,
Na bigla lang..
di mo man lamang naisip na idahan-dahan.
Hindi ako sanay sa biglaan,
Unti unti na lang sanang nawala...

Should i say "finally, this is it!"?
Am i in love? -- "sakto lang!"
It's not that deep but it keeps me inspired for many weeks since then...

"Love is a decision governed by a strong feeling", a friend of mine told me.
I made a choice which I'm not certain if i can stand for it but the feeling is overwhelming and we both know that it's beyond friendship, because it's larger than life.


Here's the catch-- nabibilisan ako sa nangyayari.. One day, i woke up realizing I no longer belonged to the list of single ladies anymore. and ooops! how can I tell the other guys that they lose the ball?


It seems like a whirlwind romance at first glance.
Yet, it's a new chapter of my story i would like to craft with him.
After few days, I started questioning my own decision. But why?
I know in myself that I'm not demanding like other committed girls.


But how will i tell him that his efforts (if there are) are not enough for me to stay in our relationship?
that he's not reaching my expectations?
that i still have apprehensions and fears?
and that i hate this feeling of waiting for something i shouldn't wait for..

Paano ko babawiin? Kasi parang hindi ko na matagalan.. na ganito.
But one thing is for sure... i don't want to lose this one.

"If a picture paints a thousand.. then why can't i paint you"

Who's this guy? perhaps one of you will raise an eyebrow while asking me..

I can't believe that after almost two years, i still can't post a single picture of me with him. how pathetic.

Since this is my first blogpost of year 2011.. i'll give clues..

He's the perfect stranger who shakened my life..

He's the unseen watermark of the lines I scribble in writings for the past two years..

He's the uninvited guest in my dreams who has asked for apology a hundred times..

He's the bittersweet chocolate that savored my unsatisfied hunger and thirst for affection..

He's like the sun.. brighter than anything that one can gaze from the earth..

And even if i closed my eyes and stop staring at it, I can still see its blinding reflection. 

He's the pop up video playing in my mind whenever I sing or hear the Beyonce's Halo song and Katy Perry's Thinking of You..

And whoever he is..
I'll tell you..

It took a lot of courage to let someone as devilly beautiful as him .. get inside my heart..