Ang shades ay ginagamit kapag maaraw dahil nasisilaw tayo.. Pede ring pangporma, para magmukhang sosyal..
Ang iba nagsususot ng shades para di sila makilala ng mga tao..
Ang ilan naman para ipakita na DG o Rayban ang brand ng suot nila..
May iba din naman na nagse-shades para di malaman ng iba na puyat , walang tulog, malaki ang eyebag, pugto ang mata dahil sa pag-iyak o kaya naman umiiyak na pala..
Malaking bagay din pala ang pagsusuot ng shades, naikukubli nito kung anong ayaw ipakita ng mga mata..

Naisip ko agad pagdating ng dorm na gawin ang unang blog ngayong taon kahit nilalagnat.
Masasabi ko na malungkot ako habang isinulat ito pero hindi nito maisasalamin kung gaano kabigat ang nararamdaman ko. Ito ang blog na di ko pinag-isipan. Hahayaan ko na lang. Free association kumbaga.

Hindi ako depressed. Naiintindihan ko na ang pag-aaral ko ng MA Psychology, tinatanggalan nito ako ng karapatan na maging depressed. Dapat lagi akong ok. Wala akong karapatang sabihin na “di ko na kaya” dahil sabi ng aking prof, it's like saying, “I am weak”.

Tama nga siguro na may nakapagsabi sa akin na isa akong jugdmental na tao at hindi ako consistent.
Madaming pinanggagalingan ang nararamdaman ko. Pero di ko pede ikwento kasi gusto kong sarilinin na lang.

Sana natatanggal ng pagkain ng ice cream ang lahat kahit panandalian lang. O kaya ng chocolates.
Kasalanan ko ang lahat.. Wala akong karapatan..
at sana may manlibre sa akin ng ice cream.. hindi ako magku-kwento pero sasabihin ko sa kanya na,

“Buti na lang naka-shades ako kanina sa bus.”

It’s Sunday again.. Seven months ago, I used to be the meek but passionate girl who was leading the worship service every Sunday morning. Despite my erratic work schedule and stress, I would come home every Saturday just to prepare the lists of songs and practice with my band for the next day. Gone are the days when I highly anticipated weekends for these meaningful ministry endeavors. I’m just wondering the changes that have taken place since I haven’t seen them (my church mates). I can’t believe that my irresponsible actions consume me painstakingly. If I am not mistaken, I was at my spiritual peak during those days. Way back then, I could not ask for more because I felt I was immensely driven by my faith. Until he found me.

I became negligent and irrational, not to mention my foolish beliefs and careless acts toward affection. I disown my conservative principles for the sake of an unsteady relationship. My fear of commitment disrupts my priorities in life. I believe that if my significant other had decided to stay, facing these difficulties would be much bearable. From the start, I was challenged to change his view in life. When we were together, I watched how he tried to repress and hide his emotions. I believed in his kindness despite the very much alarming warnings and bad impression from some close friends who knew him. My intuition motivated me to stay and reach out to him despite the possibility of getting hurt and becoming a sacrificial lamb. I tried to snoop for any possible reasons. But guess what? I was very much captivated, under his spell.

This early morning, my mom convinced me to come home. But I can’t do so. I feel so much shame and guilt inside. I just reasoned out the assignments and readings to get done. She also noticed that I stopped attending the Sunday church service. Perhaps she feels something is happening to me lately because she always asks (mother’s instinct). I am not really vocal and can only scribble my thoughts but don’t expect to hear anything from me.

“God heals everything.. including this thing inside me..”, my desktop note says. Up Dharma Down sings "Sana" repeatedly in my player. I want to divert my attention into something else. Yet, I got stuck on wishful thinking that I will redeem myself as fast as I can.. not taking years to overcome my fear.. to trust again.. I really do hope.

Well I guess spending alone in room will always be my comfort zone. I used to think that I am strong enough to face anything that comes my way. “Di pa pala..”

Right now, I just want to stop thinking for my thoughts are too cluttered to hold. As in, stop..

This is not an answer to the question i posted last night. thank God I fell asleep. This post will be different among the previous posts i'd written in the past.
This is an open letter to a guy,
you who clutched my heart like a paper
you who cheated on me when i had poured out all my love
you, the reason why i shed tears every night since i found it out
you, who turned out to be my sweetest downfall..

what did those kisses mean? lies.. i never intend to be involved in that kind of trouble.. it's you who unexpectedly came to me.. if i only knew you would make my life more miserable, i should have never open my heart. I never asked you to rescue me from solitude because i learned to live with it.. Ikaw ang lumapit, hindi ako.

this is not to let the whole world know how rude you are.. i'm just finding ways to let my emotions subside.. you see, i haven't slept peacefully for 3 months.. i couldn't accept the fact that someone like you has the guts to ruin someone's life, someone's heart..

Was I a low-life creature for you whom you chose to project all your negative feelings in the world? You succeed.. Naramdaman ko lahat ng emosyon na di ko naramdaman dati.. I felt so much grudge, angst, hatred, emptiness and all the worst feelings a human might have.. What happened to you? What happened to us? I can't avoid questioning God why He let you and I met in this life.. I wish i never ever cross your path.. but too late.. i am emptied out..

I want to stop waking up in the morning with so much burden in my heart and thinking how to survive another day with the paranoia that you're just near enough to hurt me again.. Stop texting me. Wag mo na ako kamustahin.. You're just making the pain more unbearable.. You had all of me, i think that's enough..

I'm closing this chapter of my life where you are part of it.. Thanks for all the goodness and sweet thoughts.. Mabait ka, di lang nakikita ng ibang tao kasi di mo gustong ipaalam sa kanila.. I am always telling myself, "Minalas lang ako sa'yo kasi ginamit mo ako but i can still see the halo in your head.." Good bye..

hindi mapukaw ng antok ang aking kaisipan.. kahit pagod na sa buong araw na pag-iisip at pag-aalaala ng mga bagay na hindi na dapat binibigyan ng kahulugan at importansya..

lagi na lamang ganito ang mga tagpo.. gustung-gusto ko nang ipikit ang aking mga mata upang muling masilayan ang kabilang mundo, kung saan lahat ay panatag at posible.. pero maraming bumabalakid..
mga alaala ng nakaraan.. ang masama, ito'y mga alaalang dapat naibaon na sa limot..
uumpisahan ko na bang magbilang ng tupa para dalawin na ako ng antok?

marahil pinipigilan ng isipan ko ang makatulog dahil "unconsciously" may nais itong iparating..
subalit tama na.. itigil na ang kahibangan.. walang saysay kung bibigyan ng pansin ang mga walang katuturang bagay na ito..
nais ko nang magpahinga.. pero di ko alam kung paano..
gusto ko nang mahimbing sa aking higaan..

"paano ba ako matutulog?", isang tanong na napakahirap sagutin
dahil alam ko pag nahimbing ako..
makakalimutan ko din kung paano nangyari..

paano nga ba nalilimutan ng isang tao kung paano niya ginawa ang isang bagay?
inaantok na ako.. pag nakatulog ako, sasabihin ko kung paano..
basta gisingin mo ako..

pugto pa ang aking mga mata..
pero bumangon ako sa aking higaan dahil hindi ko mawaglit sa aking isipan ang nangyari kagabi.
nilalagnat pa yata ako dahil sa sobrang pag-iyak at matinding emosyon na bumabanaag sa loob ko.
"kelangan ko siya makita", aking bulong.
imbis na pumasok sa klase, nagdesisyon ako na lumuwas ng Maynila para lang makausap siya. pero di pa ako nakakaluwas mag-isa. At higit sa lahat, di ko alam kung paano sumakay ng bus at lrt para makarating sa aking pupuntahan. pero sabi ko sa aking sarili, "kaya ko ito!"

nakarating din ako sa wakas sa harap ng pinto ng kanyang tinutuluyan. at doon na nagsimula ang lahat ng mala-nobelang pangyayaring di ko inakalang magaganap pati sa akin.
"bakit nandito ka?"
hindi na siya ang lalaking nakilala ko dati. hindi na ako nakasagot dahil alam ko namang wala akong karapatan na hingin ang sandaling oras na maaari niyang ibigay sa akin. Wala na akong puwang sa mundo niya.
Agad niya akong dinala sa labas ng tinutuluyan niya.
Sinusundan ko lang bawat yapak niya na animo hindi nito alam kung saan paparoon..
hanggang makarating kami sa madalas niyang tambayan, ang Medstone.

Isang tanong lang ang gusto kong maringgan ng sagot.
"Mahal mo pa ba ako?", habang nanginginig ang aking mga labi habang buong lakas kong winika.
"Bakit mo tinatanong pa yan", tanong niya.
hindi na ako nagsalita. Gusto ko lang naman malaman..
para di na ako aasa pa kung wala na talaga..
para kakalimutan na ko na siya kung yun ang gusto niya..

makalipas ng labinlimang minuto, mahina niyang sinabi
"siyempre, mahal pa rin kita. ikaw pa rin.."
nabuhayan ako..
"pero ayokong isipin yun kasi pag inisip ko ulit, baka umikot muli ang mundo ko sa'yo.."
nasabi ko na lang sa aking sarili, "bakit? anong masama dun?"
nagsimula nang mamuo ang aking luha.
"bakit kailangan mong kontrolin? nahihirapan ako sa nakikita ko.. alam ko namang ako ang nakipaghiwalay pero bakit di mo naintindihan ang dahilan."
halos lumuhod ako sa harapan niya para lang maayos ang lahat. kung di ko man maibalik ang dati, maging magkaibigan man lamang kami. pero walang napura ang pagpunta ko..
masyado siyang bingi sa mga paliwanag ko.. patuloy ang pagpatak ng aking mga luha habang nakatingin ang lahat ng dumadaan sa aming harapan..

napakaganda ng liwanag ng araw na yun, subalit para akong lumulubog sa kinatatayuan ko.. sa mismong harap niya.. pinapanood lang niya ako na masaktan..
nakiusap ako na ihatid man lang niya ako sa sakayan..
ni hindi man lang niya ako inihatid sa pagsakay ng lrt. nagkandaligaw-ligaw ako sa pag-uwi..

umiiyak ako habang nakikita ko siyang tumalikod at lumakad palayo sa akin..
habang naglalakad ako paakyat ng lrt at nagbabayad..
habang nakaupo sa gitna ng mga nagsisiksikang mga pasahero..
habang nakasakay sa bus at pinagmamasdan ng katabi kong lalake..
umiiyak ako hindi dahil nasasaktan ako, kundi dahil hinayaan ko siyang masaktan ako..
hanggang maisip ko na pumunta sa simbahan..

iniiyak ko lang lahat.. nakatingin lahat ang matandang nagnonobena sa loob.. dumudungaw ang lahat.. wala silang alam kung gaano kasakit kaya di ko sila inaalintana. pero di pala ganun kadali tumahan kapag sobrang nasaktan..
isa siya sa mga huling taong inaakala kong di magagawang ipagtabuyan ako, pero nagawa niya..
isinumpa ko na di ako babalik sa lugar na yun hanggat di ko kayang dumaan doon na umiiyak..
isinumpa ko lahat ng mga naramdaman ko ng araw na iyon..
isinumpa ko ang Taft Avenue, ang Lrt, ang UP Manila, ang Medstone, ang Maria Orosa, ang lahat ng may kinalaman sa kanya..
pero di ko siya kayang isumpa..
hindi ko alam kung bakit ganun na lang kahalaga siya sa akin dati..

Dati yun.. hindi na ngayon.. hindi na niya ako mapapaluha muli..
kung may isang lugar man akong hindi babalikan, hindi ang Taft Avenue..
kundi ang lugar na isang hakbang lamang ang agwat ko sa kanya..

Two nights ago..

10 pm - I was with a friend, her name is Ecca. a strange feeling was starting to give me freeze on my skin before we decided to have our dinner at MCDO Timog. But i was thinking twice to visit my fave cake cafe' along Tomas Morato.

10:45pm- We're riding on a jeep along Tomas Morato. I told Ecca to stop over Kitchen of Cakes coz i was craving for a single mouth-watering Decadent cake. "Manong, sa tabi lang"..
Ecca was walking fast and heading her way to Kitchen. Suddenly, i noticed him wearing a purple shirt in the cafe' next to Kitchen.

*He had not been texting me for almost 3 weeks. We're not seeing each other for 3 weeks coz he told me he had lot of work loads. He had all the reasons just to convince me the impossibility of seeing him.

But suddenly i noticed him wearing a purple shirt in the cafe next to Kitchen. My world stumbled down when i also noticed the girl next to him. He's with another girl.

I tried to hide myself at the back of a car. Ecca noticed i wasn't following her. so she searched for me. When she saw me, i just said, "Nasa loob siya.. si ___".. I was breaking down but i made up my mind. "Magpapakita ako sa kanya.."

11:10pm I opened the door of the cafe'. The two were sitting close to each other but i didn't give a glance. I went straight ahead the counter asking what's the specialty or best seller of the cafe'. I bought a tea and sat on the table next to them.

"May wi-fi dito.. Dito ka na lang mag-net.", i gave Ecca a blank stare telling her through my eyes, "kaya ko 'to, believe me."

So she opened her laptop. i could see in my peripheral view how they talked to each other. I knew then they noticed me.. Hello, makikita nila talaga ako kasi nasa bukana sila ng cafe'. Nawala ang sweetness nila sa isa't-isa pagkakita sa akin.. "Malandi ka", pointing to the girl but i couldn't say it loud. I was just smiling all throughout while pretending ok. One minute had passed but i felt it took so slow for the hand of clock to make another minute..

11:34pm I felt something was dying inside helplessly. something was crying inside me, " Tama na.. ang sakit-sakit na." My heart was breaking with every smile he projected.. and i knew, he was just watching me getting hurt.

I held my cellphone so tight, composing a text message.. "P_.. Harapan ito. Nagtiwala ako sau. Tapos may iba ka. Salamat ha. :)" i sent it to his number. Surely, he received and read it.

After few minutes, they went out the cafe'. I supposed they would go somewhere else. or he would bring the hypocrite in his apartment and make out. or whatever, i ran out of ideas.

The moment they closed the door, i whispered to Ecca, "Pede na bang tumulo? Kanina ko pa pinipigilan.." The warm tears fell down my cheeks and started to cry. The girls at the counter were alarmed. I didn't give a damn. I wanted to throw something away from me and get that something inside me out. "Bakit, ano ba nagawa ko sa kanya?!", cursing him, the hypocrite and myself.

I wanted to drink the shampoo, the conditioner, or the newly bought fragrance oil in my bathroom. "How stupid!". blaming myself. kelangan ko pa talaga makita ng harapan para maniwala ako na niloloko niya ako. Ang pinakamasakit, sa harap ko pa..

He denied me.. he didn't even bother to smile at me and say, "Hi, si ___, friend ko." or even a simple stare at me telling me sorry for what he had done.

I gave all the sheer madness in seeing and staying beside him but i think i will never ever gonna be enough for him.

I would never be worthy of his love,

only a hypocrite could do such..