For the last time,
I stared at the four walls of my room with increasing sadness felt in the atmosphere.
I closed my eyes because I couldn't hold my tears from coming out. Not again..
Inevitably, they slid unhurriedly like liquid grains and dried up without traces..
reminiscent of moments shared with a person I hardly knew.
The gentle wind gusted inside through the slightly opened window
disturbing the quietness of the room.
It rang the chime..  "What happens here, stays here."
I was always waiting..
waiting for him..
he was my zephyr that rustled in the early summer breeze.
I was swept away by the gentlest of all winds..
I swang the door and took my last glance inside..
then slowly closed it just like a chapter of a book.
I held my head up high and left silently..
"It was beneath me to beg.."

Hindi tumitigil..

Unti-unti pumapatak.. parang walang katapusan
Patuloy na binabasag ang katahimikan sa bawat pagdampi sa sahig
Paghingang animo’y matutuldukan anumang segundo
Hanggang kailan matatapos?
Sambit ng isang pusong ginagapang ng kamatayan
Sasairin ng hiwa ng kahapon ang nilalaman ng pagkatao
Kapalit ng maling pagsuyong tumangay sa katinuan

Hindi na magtatagal
Mapapawi ang lahat ng hapding nangingibabaw sa dibdib
Titigil ang pag-inog ng mundong sinakop ng bangungot at kasakiman
Makakawala na sa alaala ng nakaraang magpa-hanggang ngayon
Hindi lumilisan at lumalakad palayo

Pagpanaw nito,
Itatangan ko ang gunitang ipinitak mo
Tulad ng punyal
na di na aahon sa pagkabaon
binabalot ng dugong puspos ng aking kamalayan at buhay
nakatanim malapit sa lugar

kung saan ka nakakubli
kung saan kita pinatuloy
kung saan pilit kitang itatago
kung saan
nararamdaman kita ng lubos.

I hurriedly approached the door to open it and rushed outside his flat.
I felt the midnight breeze brushing against my skin while he's staring blankly at me.
His eyes mirrored the confusion battling inside his mind.
Then he suddenly moved towards me and grabbed my arm tightly pulling me inside.
I resisted but his stare overpowered my will to abandon him.

I softly uttered, "I finally found the courage to walk out of your life.."

The deafening cry of silence filled the air. The pain reflected in my face wasn't
even half of what I was feeling inside. The tears started glistening my eyes.

"..but i forgot to take my heart with me."

Then, he let go of my hand without any words spoken.
Every step away from where he stood was shattering the sanity in me..

The turn of events over the decades has almost forgotten that night.
I glanced at the window of my room and saw my own reflection..
The wind chimed bringing a scent familiar to my sense.
I murmured to myself, "the most genuine love is the one that is sweetly surrendered and sacrificed.. just like ours."

He softly whispered to my ear, "just like ours.."

It’s Sunday again.. Seven months ago, I used to be the meek but passionate girl who was leading the worship service every Sunday morning. Despite my erratic work schedule and stress, I would come home every Saturday just to prepare the lists of songs and practice with my band for the next day. Gone are the days when I highly anticipated weekends for these meaningful ministry endeavors. I’m just wondering the changes that have taken place since I haven’t seen them (my church mates). I can’t believe that my irresponsible actions consume me painstakingly. If I am not mistaken, I was at my spiritual peak during those days. Way back then, I could not ask for more because I felt I was immensely driven by my faith. Until he found me.

I became negligent and irrational, not to mention my foolish beliefs and careless acts toward affection. I disown my conservative principles for the sake of an unsteady relationship. My fear of commitment disrupts my priorities in life. I believe that if my significant other had decided to stay, facing these difficulties would be much bearable. From the start, I was challenged to change his view in life. When we were together, I watched how he tried to repress and hide his emotions. I believed in his kindness despite the very much alarming warnings and bad impression from some close friends who knew him. My intuition motivated me to stay and reach out to him despite the possibility of getting hurt and becoming a sacrificial lamb. I tried to snoop for any possible reasons. But guess what? I was very much captivated, under his spell.

This early morning, my mom convinced me to come home. But I can’t do so. I feel so much shame and guilt inside. I just reasoned out the assignments and readings to get done. She also noticed that I stopped attending the Sunday church service. Perhaps she feels something is happening to me lately because she always asks (mother’s instinct). I am not really vocal and can only scribble my thoughts but don’t expect to hear anything from me.

“God heals everything.. including this thing inside me..”, my desktop note says. Up Dharma Down sings "Sana" repeatedly in my player. I want to divert my attention into something else. Yet, I got stuck on wishful thinking that I will redeem myself as fast as I can.. not taking years to overcome my fear.. to trust again.. I really do hope.

Well I guess spending alone in room will always be my comfort zone. I used to think that I am strong enough to face anything that comes my way. “Di pa pala..”

Right now, I just want to stop thinking for my thoughts are too cluttered to hold. As in, stop..

This is not an answer to the question i posted last night. thank God I fell asleep. This post will be different among the previous posts i'd written in the past.
This is an open letter to a guy,
you who clutched my heart like a paper
you who cheated on me when i had poured out all my love
you, the reason why i shed tears every night since i found it out
you, who turned out to be my sweetest downfall..

what did those kisses mean? lies.. i never intend to be involved in that kind of trouble.. it's you who unexpectedly came to me.. if i only knew you would make my life more miserable, i should have never open my heart. I never asked you to rescue me from solitude because i learned to live with it.. Ikaw ang lumapit, hindi ako.

this is not to let the whole world know how rude you are.. i'm just finding ways to let my emotions subside.. you see, i haven't slept peacefully for 3 months.. i couldn't accept the fact that someone like you has the guts to ruin someone's life, someone's heart..

Was I a low-life creature for you whom you chose to project all your negative feelings in the world? You succeed.. Naramdaman ko lahat ng emosyon na di ko naramdaman dati.. I felt so much grudge, angst, hatred, emptiness and all the worst feelings a human might have.. What happened to you? What happened to us? I can't avoid questioning God why He let you and I met in this life.. I wish i never ever cross your path.. but too late.. i am emptied out..

I want to stop waking up in the morning with so much burden in my heart and thinking how to survive another day with the paranoia that you're just near enough to hurt me again.. Stop texting me. Wag mo na ako kamustahin.. You're just making the pain more unbearable.. You had all of me, i think that's enough..

I'm closing this chapter of my life where you are part of it.. Thanks for all the goodness and sweet thoughts.. Mabait ka, di lang nakikita ng ibang tao kasi di mo gustong ipaalam sa kanila.. I am always telling myself, "Minalas lang ako sa'yo kasi ginamit mo ako but i can still see the halo in your head.." Good bye..

hindi mapukaw ng antok ang aking kaisipan.. kahit pagod na sa buong araw na pag-iisip at pag-aalaala ng mga bagay na hindi na dapat binibigyan ng kahulugan at importansya..

lagi na lamang ganito ang mga tagpo.. gustung-gusto ko nang ipikit ang aking mga mata upang muling masilayan ang kabilang mundo, kung saan lahat ay panatag at posible.. pero maraming bumabalakid..
mga alaala ng nakaraan.. ang masama, ito'y mga alaalang dapat naibaon na sa limot..
uumpisahan ko na bang magbilang ng tupa para dalawin na ako ng antok?

marahil pinipigilan ng isipan ko ang makatulog dahil "unconsciously" may nais itong iparating..
subalit tama na.. itigil na ang kahibangan.. walang saysay kung bibigyan ng pansin ang mga walang katuturang bagay na ito..
nais ko nang magpahinga.. pero di ko alam kung paano..
gusto ko nang mahimbing sa aking higaan..

"paano ba ako matutulog?", isang tanong na napakahirap sagutin
dahil alam ko pag nahimbing ako..
makakalimutan ko din kung paano nangyari..

paano nga ba nalilimutan ng isang tao kung paano niya ginawa ang isang bagay?
inaantok na ako.. pag nakatulog ako, sasabihin ko kung paano..
basta gisingin mo ako..

I want to kill time
coz i know im spending too much
in finding the right one

I want to kill hope
coz there's no point of waiting for
someone who's not willing to stay

I want to kill faith
coz you steal it from me since i met you
and now, i can't come back to Him

I want to kill the one who took you away from me
coz she made you believed that I was not good enough for you
she's a bitch, a hypocrite, a culprit.

I want to kill you
..for making me whole again
but then hurting me again much painful than the first time
..for spending time with me
yet you're seeing other girl
..for pushing me to do something out of love
yet you've still taken me for granted
..for telling me i'm your special someone
but you didn't treat me the way you promised me..for denying me in front of crowd
..for the things i sacrificed for the sake of our relationship
..for not sharing your dreams and aspirations
..for loving me less, perhaps not at all
..for killing me inside yet i still live

And if these reasons are still not enough,
then tell me, did i love you less for putting my heart in grave?

pugto pa ang aking mga mata..
pero bumangon ako sa aking higaan dahil hindi ko mawaglit sa aking isipan ang nangyari kagabi.
nilalagnat pa yata ako dahil sa sobrang pag-iyak at matinding emosyon na bumabanaag sa loob ko.
"kelangan ko siya makita", aking bulong.
imbis na pumasok sa klase, nagdesisyon ako na lumuwas ng Maynila para lang makausap siya. pero di pa ako nakakaluwas mag-isa. At higit sa lahat, di ko alam kung paano sumakay ng bus at lrt para makarating sa aking pupuntahan. pero sabi ko sa aking sarili, "kaya ko ito!"

nakarating din ako sa wakas sa harap ng pinto ng kanyang tinutuluyan. at doon na nagsimula ang lahat ng mala-nobelang pangyayaring di ko inakalang magaganap pati sa akin.
"bakit nandito ka?"
hindi na siya ang lalaking nakilala ko dati. hindi na ako nakasagot dahil alam ko namang wala akong karapatan na hingin ang sandaling oras na maaari niyang ibigay sa akin. Wala na akong puwang sa mundo niya.
Agad niya akong dinala sa labas ng tinutuluyan niya.
Sinusundan ko lang bawat yapak niya na animo hindi nito alam kung saan paparoon..
hanggang makarating kami sa madalas niyang tambayan, ang Medstone.

Isang tanong lang ang gusto kong maringgan ng sagot.
"Mahal mo pa ba ako?", habang nanginginig ang aking mga labi habang buong lakas kong winika.
"Bakit mo tinatanong pa yan", tanong niya.
hindi na ako nagsalita. Gusto ko lang naman malaman..
para di na ako aasa pa kung wala na talaga..
para kakalimutan na ko na siya kung yun ang gusto niya..

makalipas ng labinlimang minuto, mahina niyang sinabi
"siyempre, mahal pa rin kita. ikaw pa rin.."
nabuhayan ako..
"pero ayokong isipin yun kasi pag inisip ko ulit, baka umikot muli ang mundo ko sa'yo.."
nasabi ko na lang sa aking sarili, "bakit? anong masama dun?"
nagsimula nang mamuo ang aking luha.
"bakit kailangan mong kontrolin? nahihirapan ako sa nakikita ko.. alam ko namang ako ang nakipaghiwalay pero bakit di mo naintindihan ang dahilan."
halos lumuhod ako sa harapan niya para lang maayos ang lahat. kung di ko man maibalik ang dati, maging magkaibigan man lamang kami. pero walang napura ang pagpunta ko..
masyado siyang bingi sa mga paliwanag ko.. patuloy ang pagpatak ng aking mga luha habang nakatingin ang lahat ng dumadaan sa aming harapan..

napakaganda ng liwanag ng araw na yun, subalit para akong lumulubog sa kinatatayuan ko.. sa mismong harap niya.. pinapanood lang niya ako na masaktan..
nakiusap ako na ihatid man lang niya ako sa sakayan..
ni hindi man lang niya ako inihatid sa pagsakay ng lrt. nagkandaligaw-ligaw ako sa pag-uwi..

umiiyak ako habang nakikita ko siyang tumalikod at lumakad palayo sa akin..
habang naglalakad ako paakyat ng lrt at nagbabayad..
habang nakaupo sa gitna ng mga nagsisiksikang mga pasahero..
habang nakasakay sa bus at pinagmamasdan ng katabi kong lalake..
umiiyak ako hindi dahil nasasaktan ako, kundi dahil hinayaan ko siyang masaktan ako..
hanggang maisip ko na pumunta sa simbahan..

iniiyak ko lang lahat.. nakatingin lahat ang matandang nagnonobena sa loob.. dumudungaw ang lahat.. wala silang alam kung gaano kasakit kaya di ko sila inaalintana. pero di pala ganun kadali tumahan kapag sobrang nasaktan..
isa siya sa mga huling taong inaakala kong di magagawang ipagtabuyan ako, pero nagawa niya..
isinumpa ko na di ako babalik sa lugar na yun hanggat di ko kayang dumaan doon na umiiyak..
isinumpa ko lahat ng mga naramdaman ko ng araw na iyon..
isinumpa ko ang Taft Avenue, ang Lrt, ang UP Manila, ang Medstone, ang Maria Orosa, ang lahat ng may kinalaman sa kanya..
pero di ko siya kayang isumpa..
hindi ko alam kung bakit ganun na lang kahalaga siya sa akin dati..

Dati yun.. hindi na ngayon.. hindi na niya ako mapapaluha muli..
kung may isang lugar man akong hindi babalikan, hindi ang Taft Avenue..
kundi ang lugar na isang hakbang lamang ang agwat ko sa kanya..

You are my crest in the sky..
My sanity weakens when you stare at me.
What we have is like a dying star,
Luminating in the midst of darkness
Yet its light keeps us blinded..
The closer to its death, the more beautiful it becomes,
Leaving me so breathless..
helpless..
and lifeless alone.

What sweetness can this heart hold
When my mind magnifies the things that hurt
Nothing between us is "real".
You are..
..my "almost but not really"
..my saving grace for a while
..my eveything but i never had.

Someday, a blazing star will zest the sky,
Outshining the rest across the celestial
Because someone will redeem it for me
Yes, he will..
And you'll wish,
What we had is like an undying star.. my undying crest..


(for the one who celebrates his bday today without me..)

Two nights ago..

10 pm - I was with a friend, her name is Ecca. a strange feeling was starting to give me freeze on my skin before we decided to have our dinner at MCDO Timog. But i was thinking twice to visit my fave cake cafe' along Tomas Morato.

10:45pm- We're riding on a jeep along Tomas Morato. I told Ecca to stop over Kitchen of Cakes coz i was craving for a single mouth-watering Decadent cake. "Manong, sa tabi lang"..
Ecca was walking fast and heading her way to Kitchen. Suddenly, i noticed him wearing a purple shirt in the cafe' next to Kitchen.

*He had not been texting me for almost 3 weeks. We're not seeing each other for 3 weeks coz he told me he had lot of work loads. He had all the reasons just to convince me the impossibility of seeing him.

But suddenly i noticed him wearing a purple shirt in the cafe next to Kitchen. My world stumbled down when i also noticed the girl next to him. He's with another girl.

I tried to hide myself at the back of a car. Ecca noticed i wasn't following her. so she searched for me. When she saw me, i just said, "Nasa loob siya.. si ___".. I was breaking down but i made up my mind. "Magpapakita ako sa kanya.."

11:10pm I opened the door of the cafe'. The two were sitting close to each other but i didn't give a glance. I went straight ahead the counter asking what's the specialty or best seller of the cafe'. I bought a tea and sat on the table next to them.

"May wi-fi dito.. Dito ka na lang mag-net.", i gave Ecca a blank stare telling her through my eyes, "kaya ko 'to, believe me."

So she opened her laptop. i could see in my peripheral view how they talked to each other. I knew then they noticed me.. Hello, makikita nila talaga ako kasi nasa bukana sila ng cafe'. Nawala ang sweetness nila sa isa't-isa pagkakita sa akin.. "Malandi ka", pointing to the girl but i couldn't say it loud. I was just smiling all throughout while pretending ok. One minute had passed but i felt it took so slow for the hand of clock to make another minute..

11:34pm I felt something was dying inside helplessly. something was crying inside me, " Tama na.. ang sakit-sakit na." My heart was breaking with every smile he projected.. and i knew, he was just watching me getting hurt.

I held my cellphone so tight, composing a text message.. "P_.. Harapan ito. Nagtiwala ako sau. Tapos may iba ka. Salamat ha. :)" i sent it to his number. Surely, he received and read it.

After few minutes, they went out the cafe'. I supposed they would go somewhere else. or he would bring the hypocrite in his apartment and make out. or whatever, i ran out of ideas.

The moment they closed the door, i whispered to Ecca, "Pede na bang tumulo? Kanina ko pa pinipigilan.." The warm tears fell down my cheeks and started to cry. The girls at the counter were alarmed. I didn't give a damn. I wanted to throw something away from me and get that something inside me out. "Bakit, ano ba nagawa ko sa kanya?!", cursing him, the hypocrite and myself.

I wanted to drink the shampoo, the conditioner, or the newly bought fragrance oil in my bathroom. "How stupid!". blaming myself. kelangan ko pa talaga makita ng harapan para maniwala ako na niloloko niya ako. Ang pinakamasakit, sa harap ko pa..

He denied me.. he didn't even bother to smile at me and say, "Hi, si ___, friend ko." or even a simple stare at me telling me sorry for what he had done.

I gave all the sheer madness in seeing and staying beside him but i think i will never ever gonna be enough for him.

I would never be worthy of his love,

only a hypocrite could do such..