It’s Sunday again.. Seven months ago, I used to be the meek but passionate girl who was leading the worship service every Sunday morning. Despite my erratic work schedule and stress, I would come home every Saturday just to prepare the lists of songs and practice with my band for the next day. Gone are the days when I highly anticipated weekends for these meaningful ministry endeavors. I’m just wondering the changes that have taken place since I haven’t seen them (my church mates). I can’t believe that my irresponsible actions consume me painstakingly. If I am not mistaken, I was at my spiritual peak during those days. Way back then, I could not ask for more because I felt I was immensely driven by my faith. Until he found me.

I became negligent and irrational, not to mention my foolish beliefs and careless acts toward affection. I disown my conservative principles for the sake of an unsteady relationship. My fear of commitment disrupts my priorities in life. I believe that if my significant other had decided to stay, facing these difficulties would be much bearable. From the start, I was challenged to change his view in life. When we were together, I watched how he tried to repress and hide his emotions. I believed in his kindness despite the very much alarming warnings and bad impression from some close friends who knew him. My intuition motivated me to stay and reach out to him despite the possibility of getting hurt and becoming a sacrificial lamb. I tried to snoop for any possible reasons. But guess what? I was very much captivated, under his spell.

This early morning, my mom convinced me to come home. But I can’t do so. I feel so much shame and guilt inside. I just reasoned out the assignments and readings to get done. She also noticed that I stopped attending the Sunday church service. Perhaps she feels something is happening to me lately because she always asks (mother’s instinct). I am not really vocal and can only scribble my thoughts but don’t expect to hear anything from me.

“God heals everything.. including this thing inside me..”, my desktop note says. Up Dharma Down sings "Sana" repeatedly in my player. I want to divert my attention into something else. Yet, I got stuck on wishful thinking that I will redeem myself as fast as I can.. not taking years to overcome my fear.. to trust again.. I really do hope.

Well I guess spending alone in room will always be my comfort zone. I used to think that I am strong enough to face anything that comes my way. “Di pa pala..”

Right now, I just want to stop thinking for my thoughts are too cluttered to hold. As in, stop..

This is not an answer to the question i posted last night. thank God I fell asleep. This post will be different among the previous posts i'd written in the past.
This is an open letter to a guy,
you who clutched my heart like a paper
you who cheated on me when i had poured out all my love
you, the reason why i shed tears every night since i found it out
you, who turned out to be my sweetest downfall..

what did those kisses mean? lies.. i never intend to be involved in that kind of trouble.. it's you who unexpectedly came to me.. if i only knew you would make my life more miserable, i should have never open my heart. I never asked you to rescue me from solitude because i learned to live with it.. Ikaw ang lumapit, hindi ako.

this is not to let the whole world know how rude you are.. i'm just finding ways to let my emotions subside.. you see, i haven't slept peacefully for 3 months.. i couldn't accept the fact that someone like you has the guts to ruin someone's life, someone's heart..

Was I a low-life creature for you whom you chose to project all your negative feelings in the world? You succeed.. Naramdaman ko lahat ng emosyon na di ko naramdaman dati.. I felt so much grudge, angst, hatred, emptiness and all the worst feelings a human might have.. What happened to you? What happened to us? I can't avoid questioning God why He let you and I met in this life.. I wish i never ever cross your path.. but too late.. i am emptied out..

I want to stop waking up in the morning with so much burden in my heart and thinking how to survive another day with the paranoia that you're just near enough to hurt me again.. Stop texting me. Wag mo na ako kamustahin.. You're just making the pain more unbearable.. You had all of me, i think that's enough..

I'm closing this chapter of my life where you are part of it.. Thanks for all the goodness and sweet thoughts.. Mabait ka, di lang nakikita ng ibang tao kasi di mo gustong ipaalam sa kanila.. I am always telling myself, "Minalas lang ako sa'yo kasi ginamit mo ako but i can still see the halo in your head.." Good bye..

hindi mapukaw ng antok ang aking kaisipan.. kahit pagod na sa buong araw na pag-iisip at pag-aalaala ng mga bagay na hindi na dapat binibigyan ng kahulugan at importansya..

lagi na lamang ganito ang mga tagpo.. gustung-gusto ko nang ipikit ang aking mga mata upang muling masilayan ang kabilang mundo, kung saan lahat ay panatag at posible.. pero maraming bumabalakid..
mga alaala ng nakaraan.. ang masama, ito'y mga alaalang dapat naibaon na sa limot..
uumpisahan ko na bang magbilang ng tupa para dalawin na ako ng antok?

marahil pinipigilan ng isipan ko ang makatulog dahil "unconsciously" may nais itong iparating..
subalit tama na.. itigil na ang kahibangan.. walang saysay kung bibigyan ng pansin ang mga walang katuturang bagay na ito..
nais ko nang magpahinga.. pero di ko alam kung paano..
gusto ko nang mahimbing sa aking higaan..

"paano ba ako matutulog?", isang tanong na napakahirap sagutin
dahil alam ko pag nahimbing ako..
makakalimutan ko din kung paano nangyari..

paano nga ba nalilimutan ng isang tao kung paano niya ginawa ang isang bagay?
inaantok na ako.. pag nakatulog ako, sasabihin ko kung paano..
basta gisingin mo ako..