It’s Sunday again.. Seven months ago, I used to be the meek but passionate girl who was leading the worship service every Sunday morning. Despite my erratic work schedule and stress, I would come home every Saturday just to prepare the lists of songs and practice with my band for the next day. Gone are the days when I highly anticipated weekends for these meaningful ministry endeavors. I’m just wondering the changes that have taken place since I haven’t seen them (my church mates). I can’t believe that my irresponsible actions consume me painstakingly. If I am not mistaken, I was at my spiritual peak during those days. Way back then, I could not ask for more because I felt I was immensely driven by my faith. Until he found me.

I became negligent and irrational, not to mention my foolish beliefs and careless acts toward affection. I disown my conservative principles for the sake of an unsteady relationship. My fear of commitment disrupts my priorities in life. I believe that if my significant other had decided to stay, facing these difficulties would be much bearable. From the start, I was challenged to change his view in life. When we were together, I watched how he tried to repress and hide his emotions. I believed in his kindness despite the very much alarming warnings and bad impression from some close friends who knew him. My intuition motivated me to stay and reach out to him despite the possibility of getting hurt and becoming a sacrificial lamb. I tried to snoop for any possible reasons. But guess what? I was very much captivated, under his spell.

This early morning, my mom convinced me to come home. But I can’t do so. I feel so much shame and guilt inside. I just reasoned out the assignments and readings to get done. She also noticed that I stopped attending the Sunday church service. Perhaps she feels something is happening to me lately because she always asks (mother’s instinct). I am not really vocal and can only scribble my thoughts but don’t expect to hear anything from me.

“God heals everything.. including this thing inside me..”, my desktop note says. Up Dharma Down sings "Sana" repeatedly in my player. I want to divert my attention into something else. Yet, I got stuck on wishful thinking that I will redeem myself as fast as I can.. not taking years to overcome my fear.. to trust again.. I really do hope.

Well I guess spending alone in room will always be my comfort zone. I used to think that I am strong enough to face anything that comes my way. “Di pa pala..”

Right now, I just want to stop thinking for my thoughts are too cluttered to hold. As in, stop..